Kinder Eggs (9/150) Turbo-Blitz


Flash Racecardriver’s knuckles were white as he gripped the steering wheel of the Veryfastcar Mark 5, his eyes flicking across the readouts on the instrument panel. The scenery blurred around him as he shifted the throttle into Even Faster mode, though to tell the truth it was already quite blurry, since the previous mode — Pretty Quick mode — was already pretty quick. Most of the scenery was billboards for popular soft drinks anyway, so it wasn’t like he was missing much.

As he roared down the speedway track, his arch-rival Blork Badmans came into view. He was easy to spot, in his glossy black turbocar with red eyes and flames painted all over it, and big spikes sticking out everywhere. Flash cursed under his breath. He wasn’t going to let Blork Badmans get the better of him this time, not after all the terrible and evil things he had done. Flash was determined to win the Turbocar Racing Championship in spite of all of Badmans’s dirty tricks, which had nearly, but not quite, prevented Flash from making it into the finals.

As the blurry soft-drink billboards roared past his windshield, Flash thought back to the day he entered the Turbocar Racing Championship. “You have to do this, son!” his father had shouted. “Our family name is at stake!”

“I don’t want to drive a race car, dad! I want to be an investment banker!”

“Dammit Flash, you’re a Racecardriver! Driving race cars is what our family has done for generations! I won’t let you squander the skills that I’ve taught you, not to mention your amazing natural talents that make you almost certainly the best driver of race cars this world has ever seen, though not so much so that the race is a foregone conclusion without any drama!”

“Geez, fine.”

Seventeen years later, Flash had finally made it to the finals. It was a really long championship, with a lot of twists and turns — not just on the track, but also in the plot. Who would have guessed, for example, that Mysterious Guy X, driver of Mysterious Car X, would turn out to be Flash’s long-lost brother? And then, after the terrible accident in which Mysterious Car X crashed due to some foul cheatery on Blork Badmans’s part, Flash Racecardriver helped Mysterious Guy X take off his helmet, revealing long blonde hair! Mysterious Guy X was actually a woman!

“I had no idea!” Flash exclaimed. “Even though the skin-tight racing jumpsuit you’re wearing plainly shows off your giant tits. So I guess you’re not my brother, but… my sister!

“That’s right,” said Mysterious Guy X. And then she died.

“I’m so totally going to avenge you!” Flash shouted, shaking his fist at the heavens as rain began to fall.



2 thoughts on “Kinder Eggs (9/150) Turbo-Blitz

  1. :) Classic, eh? I was poking around in KoL’s new account menu setup, and discovered I had a long-forgotten chat macro to say it.

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