Lego AdventUres 03/06/11


Marty: “Nnnng. Ugh. What… where am I?”

Cindy: “You’re in the hospital, Marty. You’ve been unconscious for more than a week. I guess going Super Saiyan takes a lot out of a guy.”

Marty: “Super what? All I remember is Voldo attacking, and cutting your hand off, and then I freaked out and everything is a blur– Oh god, your hand! Are you okay?”

Cindy: “Yeah, I’m fine. They gave me this bad-ass pirate hook.”

Marty: “That is pretty bad-ass. So what happened?”

Cindy: “Well, all I saw was you screaming in a swirling mass of energy as your hair turned blue and stuck out all spiky, and then you attacked Voldo with fire coming out of your hands. Then I passed out, and the security camera on that corner was destroyed by the electromagic pulse, so nobody knows what happened after that.”

Marty: “Shit. I bet he got away.”

Cindy: “I doubt it — Applepig found his helmet in a crater two blocks away. Part of his head was still in it.”

Applepig: “Oink.”

Guardbot: “Speaking of heads, I got you a new hood. Your old one was vaporized!”

Marty: “Thanks, Guardbot. …Why are you holding up that stick?”

Guardbot: “It’s time to take your temperature!”

Cindy: “Later, Guardbot, okay? Could you leave the two of us alone for a while?”

Guardbot: “Fine, but don’t blame me if his ass overheats!”


Cindy: “Marty, I just wanted to say… well, at first I was really annoyed that I fell into the “damsel in distress” role again. I hardly got to use that wicked sword Santa gave me at all before Voldo took me down! It wasn’t very feminist of me. But the way you utterly flipped out when I got hurt… it was just so sweet! I used to be a barista, I got guys hitting on me all the time, but nobody ever exploded into a sphere of white-hot plasma and obliterated my enemies with fire shooting out of his hands before. I mean, I knew you liked me, but I never realized…”

Marty: “To tell you the truth, I didn’t realize either. I mean, I liked you and cared about you a lot, but I’ve been so busy I didn’t really have the time to think about it. But when I saw that freak cut your hand off — I mean, I thought he’d killed you! I totally went crazy! And now, seeing you again, seeing that you’re okay… I love you, Cindy.”

Cindy: “I love you too, Marty. Wanna make out?”

Marty: “Hell yes. Be careful with the hook, though.”


James Lipton: “And so our thrilling story comes to a delightful dénouement!  Peace reigns in the city once again, and the world is safe for blah blah blah!”


James Lipton: “Hairbrush Santa resurfaced some days after the chaos had died down, and opened a hair salon, to the surprise of no-one. After verifying that he was not really a threat, he was accepted by the community, with the stipulations that he promise not to kill anyone who preferred to brush their own hair, and that he put on some goddamn pants.”

James Lipton: “Bolt Head, like Hairbrush Santa, was invited into the community, and opened a sort of ersatz animal shelter. It smelled terrible. He eventually disappeared, presumed eaten.”

James Lipton: “Femme de Pain vanished, probably never to be seen again. Whose bright idea was it to have a character who speaks in a language that just about none of the readers understand, anyway? Christ.”

James Lipton: “Gordon Freeman was never seen again, at least until Episode Three comes out. God knows when the fuck that’ll be, though.”

James Lipton: “Sir Edgar Nigma moved to The City permanently, because he was sick as hell of putting up with Queen Leona’s shit. He now defends the city from raiders and wild animals with his small squadron of ex-FedEx delivery guys.”


James Lipton: “Keith became severely addicted to World of Warcraft. Nobody ever saw him again, until it was discovered that he had gained 350 pounds and died of a massive coronary while raiding Throne of the Four Winds. He was buried with his chair, which proved to be inseperable from his ass.”

James Lipton: “Panicbot turned out to be stuck in an endless scream loop, and could not be reset. He was fitted with amplifiers, and his power switch is now wired into the city’s emergency alert system.”

James Lipton: “Billy and Janet eventually something or other.”


James Lipton: “And Applepig remained totally awesome forever.”


James Lipton: “Thus ends Lego AdventUres, at least until next Christmas. Thanks for joining us, and stay tuned for Minimum Safe Distance’s next exciting daily writing project, about which here is a hint. ¡Salud!”

One thought on “Lego AdventUres 03/06/11

  1. Lies! Femme de Pain was the best character. I like how you left room for her to appear in the sequel.

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