Wizard: “‘Sup, bitches.”

Marty: “Hah! I knew there was a wizard in this calendar somewhere!”

Sir Nigma: “Are you supposed to be the fantasy version of Santa Claus or something?”

Wizard: “Man, do not even step to me with that Santa Claus bullshit. Can Santa Claus turn your organs into salt-water taffy with a flick of the wrist? I don’t think so! Any of you calls me Santa, I will mess you right up with my three-wand technique.”

Applepig: “Oink.”

Wizard: “Holy shit, they still have applepigs here? I just did that for a laugh, I didn’t think they’d actually reproduce.”

Cindy: “You made applepigs?”

Wizard: “Yeah, I guess? I don’t really remember, I heard it all second-hand afterwards. I was so fucking wasted that night, you wouldn’t even believe. Anyway, enough talk. Calendar’s over. You two wanted to go somewhere else, right? Have some sort of ridiculous adventure?”

Marty: “How’d you know?”

Wizard: “How d’you think? Coz I’m a motherfuckin’ wizard, that’s how! This train is leaving for the Big City, are you in or out?”

Cindy: “Isn’t that where there was a big war between robots and deranged psycopaths last year?”

Wizard: “In. Or. Out.”

Marty: “In, please.”

Wizard: “Right. Two tickets to the…”

Applepig: “Oink.”

Wizard: “Fine, three tickets to the City, coming up. If you’ve never been teleported before, I recommend you button up your assholes.”

Cindy: “Wait a se—”


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